On the Second Day of Christmas

,,, I ate a Partridge and bought Two Pears....

Recipe Partridge Soup Casserole:

Take an Oven Ready Partridge bought from your local branch of Global Supermarket Plc. Pluck the rest of the feathers out, because the electric-feather-zapper that they use in the abattoir doesn't get them all out. Wash the partridge inside and out, and shake lightly to get all the water off.

Cut up the partridge with a pair of kitchen scissors. Don't sweat over it - the partridge is very dead already. A snip across the middle to separate the front end from the back end. Then a snip down the middle of the breast to split it so you can flatten it.

Season the partridge with a sprinkling of allspice, generous Millings of Black Pepper, and grindings of sea salt. Leave for half an hour.

Meanwhile, wash and take out any nasty bits from some new potates, but don't peel them. Then Cut them up into chunks about an inch across. Don't cube them, just chunk them! Take some organic carrots, and after washing them, chop them up into a similar size. Take half the leafy stalks from a head of celery, and slice them up into quarter inch lengths.

Take a ten-inch saucepan and douse the base with two tablespoons of sunflower oil, (it's lighter than olive, corn or peanut oil, which would make a partridge far too overbearing). When the oil is seasoned, chuck the partridge in, and flatten it against the bottom of the pan. Do each side of the meat until it starts to turn brown, but not too much longer. Then throw 2 pints of water into the pan, add the potatoes and carrots, and bring to the boil. Turn down and Simmer for five minutes, then throw in the celery, and Love and the City's XXX Secret Ingredient.

XXX secret ingredient, consists of a bit of beetroot juice, a bit of vinegar, a bit of garlic, and a few coins of celeriac that have been marinading in it for 2 weeks. If you haven't been so prepared, then just peel and chop a clove of garlic, and add two slices of pickled beetroot out of a store-bought jar! Alternatively, Love ant the City's XXX Secret Ingredient will soon be available in your local branch of Global Supermarket PLc, on the shelf with the profitable secretions of Jamie Oliver, Lloyd Grossman, Gordon Ramsay etcetera, etcetera.

Cook for another 15 minutes and then enjoy it in this order. Remove the partridge, and devour it with carnivorous lust, relishing it and gratefully noting its gamey smell and taste. Then say a short prayer to thank the Planet, and any Gods that might really Exist, that it's not KFC, or WORSE, McDonalds, Burger King, or some Shitty-coloured Vindaloo.

Ladle the soup and vegetables into a deep bowl, and slurp it with guttural grunts and satisfaction, and compare your efforts with Campbell's, Heinz, Baxters, or Supermarket-Name Brand.

Then check the Pears you bought, and imagine a proper full-sized Thirty-foot high pear tree, not just some Garden-Centre Nursery-bred dwarf that was bred to ooze pears out of its scrawny 7 foot high frame.

There you go, the perfect way to have a Second Day of Christmas, described in elementary detail, but not to the painful reduction that Delia Smith would subject it to. Because it just might be, dear Reader, that you aren't a total Brainless SheepPerson.