Saturday, April 05, 2008

The Totally Global, International, Planetary Olympic Sport

Loveandtheplanet is now bored beyond distraction of hearing about the Olympics, Tibet, human rights, and China, in an endless loop, stuck in a groove, on permanent replay. You get to a point in a media frenzy when you know that the media and its talking heads have ceased to collect and disseminate new facts, information, or history, and are no longer contributing to the intelligence of its audience, or to the development of solutions.

Everyone knows that the Olympics are not happening in a real place or space, or that the athletes are real human beings. It is fairly obvious if you look at your 40 inch Flat Screen TV that there is not enough space in your TV for full-size human beings to be running, jumping, swimming and behaving like Wild Homo Sapiens. So it must be even more obvious that the Olympics are going to be entirely computer-generated. This is a shame, because I rather prefer the Wild, only because there is nearly none of it left on the planet, and so wild Homo Sapiens are rather precious.

So in response to this year's Tibetan Olympics, held high in the Himalayan intermontane plateau, I propose a new event, which will henceforth be known as the Everests. After all, Mount Olympia is just a molehill.

The EVERESTS will be local. Everyone will participate, so long as they own a remote control.

Their preparation will require them to buy a plane ticket to fly to a foreign land, where they have few friends or family, or where their friends or family are living in an isolated ghetto that is living in its own little world that has nothing to do with that foreign land.

Then these competitors will be required to get a job and to do it. They must not think about what is the product or the purpose of their job, but they must work very hard at it, and earn lots of cash. At the end of the week, they must spend some of that cash to get drunk on cheap booze, so that they are ready to work again on Monday. They must not, under any circumstances, fall ill or get sick.

They must also spend as much of their cash on rent and food as is possible, but they must save up some of it to buy the latest 60 inch Disposable Television from their local supermarket. Oh, I forgot. First they must save up their cash to buy a big, big, big car. Then they can drive to the supermarket to buy their Disposable Television.

And now the competitors are all prepared for the Everests. They must use the remote control and clasp it in one hand while clutching a beer or a bag of crisps in the other hand. They will all be winners, except for one loser, for the last one to switch off the television will be the Loser.

P.S. Apologies to the Nepalese for stealing their mountain for the name of this new competition. Free Nepal. Free times over. Free Nepal. Free Nepal. Free Nepal. Save Nepal. Save Nepal. Save Nepal.

Next blog post will be, the Economics of the Olympics, also known as The Doctrine of Human Wants, also known as Me, Me, Me and my Plastic Card.

2 comments:

kreatol said...

The Olympic torch relay became exciting & hilarious these couple of days. It would be fun to watch no matter what, n'importe comment!a completely new contest been created?!!
Your "heung-ha black" on the comment posted in April 4 Angrychineseblogger site caught my attention. How did you know this term heung-ha (villager's) black? I recalled my mom & most housewives back in the '50-60 wearing those heung-ha black clothings during Hong Kong's hot summer days. Imagine the solar heat absorbed into their bodies, but they seemed comfortable & did'nt mind at all.

loveandtheplanet said...

Yes, and today, instead of being considered country bumpkins, (having been bumped off by Fat Bums in Denim) they would actually be the height of Environmentalist Green Fashion.
Who would have known that thousands of years of Chinese history could be wiped out in a few decades? The most disappointing thing about the Chinese Government is that it has done so little to save any culture, tradition and history. The reality is that so few of the Overseas Chinese ever wanted to save any of the history either, and have assisted the feckless globalization. It is a cultural disaster nearly as bad as the environmental disaster in China. Yes, this has happened in every country in the world, but in the biggest country in the world, it happened faster than anywhere at any time in history. And that is Earth Shaking, on a Napoleonic Prophetic scale.